I've had this post up all weekend, trying to decide what to say, if anything. And that's a thing with me - if something is so overwhelming I have to meditate on it, sometimes it's easier not to comment. Plus, this is the kind of entry that evokes so many different responses in me, I can't possibly keep them straight.
1. It took me a long, long time to read between the lines of people's posts. I can read between the lines of news stories and see the bull - have been doing it for years. But the emotional background in some people's posts escaped me forever, and still does sometimes. I didn't look for people to be devious in their journals, didn't think about ulterior motives, didn't realise a meta post on fandom could have direct a message to someone. I kinda hate that I know better now. Most of the time. And I hate knowing that people might read my posts and replies in a similar matter, especially when 99% of the time, I'm not thinking on that second level.
2. I think it's sad that jealousy and pettiness have had a part in stamping out birthday/gift communities for people. And that the same jealousy and pettiness stopped people who were receiving such communities from enjoying them.
2.5 And that general jealousy and pettiness might stop people from enjoying any gift they receive. I long ago stopped linking every gift I received in my journal because I didn't want to make other people upset or think I was bragging. Conversely, I wonder if the people who give me gifts get mad when I don't link them in my journal.
2.75 Ultimately, gifts tie me into knots. I'm so grateful and feel so inadequate at the same time. I try to stick with the grateful part just so I don't go insane and so people will know a fraction of how touched I am when they are kind to me.
3. The kindness of strangers is the most beautiful thing on the planet. I said this the other day in a completely different context, but it applies across the board, thus the beauty.
4. Going back to 1 - I think having a moderate ego makes for the happiest fandomers. Fandomers without expectations are giving and they think about others and not about what they might be entitled to. They blithely go along their merry way in fandom and never worry about anything brought up here. Low self-esteem can produce that kind of fandomer, too. ;)
5. People who display entitlement issues constantly make me sad and disappointed. People who quietly keep their entitlement issues to themselves or who only let them slip occasionally, I love and think are human. Sometimes people are young or new and don't understand that their entitlement issues are on display - they can go either way, but without me until they sort themselves out.
6. I don't write as much in my journal anymore because I worry about making people feel bad somehow. I suppose that is my massive ego at work.
7. I hate lonely fics and drabbles and art without comments and I admit I shamelessly will comment on anything that is a day later and without a comment, if I see it. Because there is nothing worse than putting yourself out there and getting crickets, and commenting is such an easy way to make a random person feel good. It it pity commenting? No, it's taking the time to pay attention and formulate a thought when others didn't have time - happens to the best of us.
8. Sometimes, I toy with the idea of a monthly "show me your tired, your poor" post where I would take links to fics/art/etc. that people wanted more comments on. Then I realise what a bad idea that would be if I were too busy to get to them all.
9. I know I will have said something in this post to make someone sit and glare at their computer.
no subject
1. It took me a long, long time to read between the lines of people's posts. I can read between the lines of news stories and see the bull - have been doing it for years. But the emotional background in some people's posts escaped me forever, and still does sometimes. I didn't look for people to be devious in their journals, didn't think about ulterior motives, didn't realise a meta post on fandom could have direct a message to someone. I kinda hate that I know better now. Most of the time. And I hate knowing that people might read my posts and replies in a similar matter, especially when 99% of the time, I'm not thinking on that second level.
2. I think it's sad that jealousy and pettiness have had a part in stamping out birthday/gift communities for people. And that the same jealousy and pettiness stopped people who were receiving such communities from enjoying them.
2.5 And that general jealousy and pettiness might stop people from enjoying any gift they receive. I long ago stopped linking every gift I received in my journal because I didn't want to make other people upset or think I was bragging. Conversely, I wonder if the people who give me gifts get mad when I don't link them in my journal.
2.75 Ultimately, gifts tie me into knots. I'm so grateful and feel so inadequate at the same time. I try to stick with the grateful part just so I don't go insane and so people will know a fraction of how touched I am when they are kind to me.
3. The kindness of strangers is the most beautiful thing on the planet. I said this the other day in a completely different context, but it applies across the board, thus the beauty.
4. Going back to 1 - I think having a moderate ego makes for the happiest fandomers. Fandomers without expectations are giving and they think about others and not about what they might be entitled to. They blithely go along their merry way in fandom and never worry about anything brought up here. Low self-esteem can produce that kind of fandomer, too. ;)
5. People who display entitlement issues constantly make me sad and disappointed. People who quietly keep their entitlement issues to themselves or who only let them slip occasionally, I love and think are human. Sometimes people are young or new and don't understand that their entitlement issues are on display - they can go either way, but without me until they sort themselves out.
6. I don't write as much in my journal anymore because I worry about making people feel bad somehow. I suppose that is my massive ego at work.
7. I hate lonely fics and drabbles and art without comments and I admit I shamelessly will comment on anything that is a day later and without a comment, if I see it. Because there is nothing worse than putting yourself out there and getting crickets, and commenting is such an easy way to make a random person feel good. It it pity commenting? No, it's taking the time to pay attention and formulate a thought when others didn't have time - happens to the best of us.
8. Sometimes, I toy with the idea of a monthly "show me your tired, your poor" post where I would take links to fics/art/etc. that people wanted more comments on. Then I realise what a bad idea that would be if I were too busy to get to them all.
9. I know I will have said something in this post to make someone sit and glare at their computer.
10. There is no spoon.
You are too kind. *HUGS*
love, lore