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bronze_ribbonsI baked gingersnaps yesterday, intending them for a meeting today, but they turned out to be awful. So, the dog gets extra-spicy biscuits this week...
I'm finding the rant and discussion about entitlement/begging over at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
arionrhod's quite thought-provoking, especially in relation to other recent posts by other acquaintances on various social interactions. ...I know painfully well what it can be like to come across as smug or demanding or overly needy without intending to, and yet I am also all too familiar what it feels like to be taken for granted, or to participate in a friendship (or acquaintanceship) where I end up feeling like chopped liver, or to be criticized for not meeting someone else's excessive expectations. And then there's a third angle: by profession, I am a freelance editor and writer (and sometime calligrapher and singer). Self-promotion is integral to circulating my work and earning my income, but it's like one of those wiggly jumprope games I used to play when I was a kid: on the one hand, you can't sell what people don't know about, and you don't get what you don't ask for, but it is also so very easy to trip over the line between appropriate self-advertising and obnoxiously self-centered in-people's-facedness, and I'm not nearly as confident about where the line in the sand should be drawn as some others seem to be.
These days, I've managed to establish a measure of peace with who I am: that I will always look back on the times I've used people or otherwise not done right by them with regret; that it has taken me far longer to acquire basic social skills than most; that I still have so much left to learn on how to interact with people and to sustain the relationships that matter; that I will keep stumbling over unwritten rules; that I do crave affection and attention; that it is not reasonable to expect the universe to be fair. That said, I also know that I do a pretty good impersonation of a poised and well-adjusted Southern matron and businesswoman; that I enjoy encouraging people and making them feel cherished, whether it's with backrubs or poems or simply saying "hi"; that I have impressed various colleagues with my efforts at tact and diplomacy; that I can make people laugh, and often. (One of the boards I'm on recently had to appoint its third treasurer within two years; as we reviewed the election timetable, I said, "You know, that job is the Defence of Dark Arts of this [organization]..." and everyone cracked up.)
Anyhow. There's also the fact that people's thresholds and perceptions differ, such that what may seem appropriate to one may come across as overbearing to another. The BYM and I attended a dinner last night where different working and social styles were discussed, and the speaker's main point was that to elicit the best results from one's colleagues, it helps to understand how best to appeal to their particular style and how one might be coming across.
Summarized like that, it sounds like a painfully obvious strategy, but the crux is that many leaders interact with their colleagues based on their own priorities and operating style rather than acknowledging the other person's concerns and comfort zone. In other words, good management should be more about "Do unto others how they want to be done unto" rather than "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," because the challenges that may stimulate someone with a results-driven style may cause someone more concerned with proper procedure to shut down entirely (or, as the speaker put it, bad things happen when you've got an employee flooring the accelerator at the same time one's stomping the brake). This is over-generalizing what amounts to 125 pages worth of reports and handouts, of course; suffice it to say, I found the nuances interesting (especially in light of several ongoing projects and relationships where I sometimes feel I'm playing football with water balloons).
I could write acres more about this, of course, but there's work to be done. In the meantime, my readers, here's my own m.o., for what it's worth: this being my journal, I feel I am well within bounds promoting my work and that of my friends, and counting my blessings, and glossing over the stuff I consider my own business (if you want drama, you are so reading the wrong LJ). I do not expect anyone to be reading every line of any entry, never mind every sainted post, regardless of whether they're on the LJ friendslist or even if they've known me for twenty years; I ask the same leeway from you. Whenever I find that someone has read something I published or donated a cause to which I've linked, know that I do not take it for granted, whether it's your first or fiftieth or five hundredth time supporting something I care about.
I do not expect or require thanks for unsolicited gifts or whathaveyou, and most of my longtime friends either can't remember my birthday or were never informed of the date to begin with, so there is no one who should be feeling obligation or guilt on that issue where I'm concerned. [I do expect a degree of reciprocity from a certain few of you with whom I've established a routine of sorts, but you know who you are, it's always renegotiable or plain out ignorable based on what else is going on in our lives, and my birthday season runs from May 9 to May 8 anyhow. *grin* ] I do expect a thank-you comment or note when someone canvasses for a favor or a present and I fill it, but I also believe it all works out in el grande karmic wash: I've not done my share to keep some friendships going, so it stands to reason that some of that's going to happen to me, and I've learned to cut my losses earlier rather than later.
It's possible you already know all this, where you and I are concerned, but I know I don't know all y'all as well as I'd like, and I'm not always sure where I stand, or if my own boundaries are sufficiently visible (in fact, I'm often told they're not: there have been times people have assumed I didn't care about something when I was merely keeping a tight rein on my temper). So I'm hoping this spelling-out of some of this stuff will set some of you more at ease, and help us through the times I trip on the wiggly jumprope.
I'm finding the rant and discussion about entitlement/begging over at
arionrhod's quite thought-provoking, especially in relation to other recent posts by other acquaintances on various social interactions. ...I know painfully well what it can be like to come across as smug or demanding or overly needy without intending to, and yet I am also all too familiar what it feels like to be taken for granted, or to participate in a friendship (or acquaintanceship) where I end up feeling like chopped liver, or to be criticized for not meeting someone else's excessive expectations. And then there's a third angle: by profession, I am a freelance editor and writer (and sometime calligrapher and singer). Self-promotion is integral to circulating my work and earning my income, but it's like one of those wiggly jumprope games I used to play when I was a kid: on the one hand, you can't sell what people don't know about, and you don't get what you don't ask for, but it is also so very easy to trip over the line between appropriate self-advertising and obnoxiously self-centered in-people's-facedness, and I'm not nearly as confident about where the line in the sand should be drawn as some others seem to be.These days, I've managed to establish a measure of peace with who I am: that I will always look back on the times I've used people or otherwise not done right by them with regret; that it has taken me far longer to acquire basic social skills than most; that I still have so much left to learn on how to interact with people and to sustain the relationships that matter; that I will keep stumbling over unwritten rules; that I do crave affection and attention; that it is not reasonable to expect the universe to be fair. That said, I also know that I do a pretty good impersonation of a poised and well-adjusted Southern matron and businesswoman; that I enjoy encouraging people and making them feel cherished, whether it's with backrubs or poems or simply saying "hi"; that I have impressed various colleagues with my efforts at tact and diplomacy; that I can make people laugh, and often. (One of the boards I'm on recently had to appoint its third treasurer within two years; as we reviewed the election timetable, I said, "You know, that job is the Defence of Dark Arts of this [organization]..." and everyone cracked up.)
Anyhow. There's also the fact that people's thresholds and perceptions differ, such that what may seem appropriate to one may come across as overbearing to another. The BYM and I attended a dinner last night where different working and social styles were discussed, and the speaker's main point was that to elicit the best results from one's colleagues, it helps to understand how best to appeal to their particular style and how one might be coming across.
Summarized like that, it sounds like a painfully obvious strategy, but the crux is that many leaders interact with their colleagues based on their own priorities and operating style rather than acknowledging the other person's concerns and comfort zone. In other words, good management should be more about "Do unto others how they want to be done unto" rather than "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," because the challenges that may stimulate someone with a results-driven style may cause someone more concerned with proper procedure to shut down entirely (or, as the speaker put it, bad things happen when you've got an employee flooring the accelerator at the same time one's stomping the brake). This is over-generalizing what amounts to 125 pages worth of reports and handouts, of course; suffice it to say, I found the nuances interesting (especially in light of several ongoing projects and relationships where I sometimes feel I'm playing football with water balloons).
I could write acres more about this, of course, but there's work to be done. In the meantime, my readers, here's my own m.o., for what it's worth: this being my journal, I feel I am well within bounds promoting my work and that of my friends, and counting my blessings, and glossing over the stuff I consider my own business (if you want drama, you are so reading the wrong LJ). I do not expect anyone to be reading every line of any entry, never mind every sainted post, regardless of whether they're on the LJ friendslist or even if they've known me for twenty years; I ask the same leeway from you. Whenever I find that someone has read something I published or donated a cause to which I've linked, know that I do not take it for granted, whether it's your first or fiftieth or five hundredth time supporting something I care about.
I do not expect or require thanks for unsolicited gifts or whathaveyou, and most of my longtime friends either can't remember my birthday or were never informed of the date to begin with, so there is no one who should be feeling obligation or guilt on that issue where I'm concerned. [I do expect a degree of reciprocity from a certain few of you with whom I've established a routine of sorts, but you know who you are, it's always renegotiable or plain out ignorable based on what else is going on in our lives, and my birthday season runs from May 9 to May 8 anyhow. *grin* ] I do expect a thank-you comment or note when someone canvasses for a favor or a present and I fill it, but I also believe it all works out in el grande karmic wash: I've not done my share to keep some friendships going, so it stands to reason that some of that's going to happen to me, and I've learned to cut my losses earlier rather than later.
It's possible you already know all this, where you and I are concerned, but I know I don't know all y'all as well as I'd like, and I'm not always sure where I stand, or if my own boundaries are sufficiently visible (in fact, I'm often told they're not: there have been times people have assumed I didn't care about something when I was merely keeping a tight rein on my temper). So I'm hoping this spelling-out of some of this stuff will set some of you more at ease, and help us through the times I trip on the wiggly jumprope.
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(no subject)
1/2/06 18:11 (UTC)My father came to visit me this past week and I was reflecting on how many of the people who were socially awkward as children are the very people that everyone likes as adults. I can't speak for you, but I know that I was socially awkward because I was sensitive to other people's feelings and motivations. In childhood that is a kind of vulnerability, but in adulthood it can become a kind of warmth. My dad is an exceptionally kind man, and everyone whom I know who meets him can see that about him.
All of which is to say, maybe you used to be socially awkward, but on LJ I have no evidence that you still are.
(no subject)
1/2/06 19:17 (UTC)My friend David (http://www.psy.vanderbilt.edu/faculty/zalddh/zaldhomepage.htm), a killer Chapman Stick player, is composing a song for his next CD to be called "Mechaieh." He told me a couple of days ago that it had taken a while to figure it out but that it's now coming along nicely. ;-)
I have to admit that, as a child, I was just plain clueless and self-absorbed rather than sensitive. As an adult, I fancy I've managed to shift into the realm of the habitually considerate and aware, and sometimes even kind, but I definitely seldom come across as warm -- it's just not my style, just as certain friends of mine don't have it in them to be quiet or reserved, ever, no matter what's thrown at them. *grin* And I kick myself at least once a week with the foot that ends up in my mouth far too often. *ruefulness*
Also, I find it to some degree easier to behave better on LJ than in person -- if only one could run around with a "cancel" button for the things one blurts out! (There are scores of unposted rants on my backup CDs, too.)
At any rate, one can but try. I very much appreciate the reassurance that some of it's coming across as intended. :-)
(no subject)
1/2/06 18:24 (UTC)(no subject)
1/2/06 19:23 (UTC)(no subject)
2/2/06 01:56 (UTC)