oh look, a soapbox materialised under my feet...

[bronze_ribbons]

It's been a long haul work-wise this week (and I've been better health-wise as well), so I took the morning off to bake an Indian pudding and inch forward on a fic.

(The reviews of the pudding so far: "Looks like cat barf, tastes like pumpkin pie without the crust." Let it not be said my officemates don't tell things as they are. *g*)

I've also been obsessing a bit too much about gift culture (both in fandom and real life), prompted by some wibbling in various quarters over the past couple of months that has been rubbing me the wrong way. I suspect I'm overreacting to and/or misreading a fair bit of it because of my personal issues, which I'll elaborate upon in a moment; that said, if something's coming across to me as passive-aggressive or reeking of entitlement, chances are it's hitting other people that way as well.



My personal issues:
(1) It took me a ridiculous number of years to grasp the concept of paying my dues, so it's painful for me when other folks strike me as being clueless about the concept. (If you think I'm arrogant now, be glad you didn't meet me twenty years ago. Heck, be glad you didn't know me twenty years ago regardless. There's a reason my favorite subgenre is "Snape and/or Lupin get over themselves and get on with their lives.")

(1a) There have been times when I've felt blindsided by a teacher, colleague, or friend who catalogued my many faults for months either silently or behind my back before dressing me down for being out of line. I do understand why -- and I've been guilty of it myself, both because I'm a rank coward about confrontation and because, like my erstwhile colleagues, there are times when I'm convinced things are really obvious that aren't. Being on either side of it is one of the least pleasant feelings I know, so I've been grateful to friends who've had the guts to clue me in when they think I'm fucking up (even when I don't necessarily agree with them).

(1b) It's probably more accurate to say I've tried to be gracious about unsolicited advice, and not always succeeded. Which is to say, I know this is going to rub some readers the wrong way and possibly even make you hate me, and I'm truly sorry about that.

(2) I don't ever want people to view my birthday or other celebratory occasions as duties or chores, but I'm also only human: if you are clamoring for attention on your birthday but haven't made a point of observing mine, I'm not above feeling like I'm being taken for granted.

I don't have the energy to produce a full-out meta on this topic, but for what they may be worth, here are some notes and observations I've collected over the past couple of years:

(1) regan_v posted an essay called "Potlatch and Epistolary Romance: Fandom on Birthdays" that quotes me at length on the topic. (Our original conversation took place here.)

(2) As she mentioned in the essay, she and I don't actually interact all that often -- I do find her posts and her ideas stimulating, and it's happened that I had both the inclination and the time to produce gifts for her the past two years. There are hosts of people on my friendslists, however, for whom I'm not managed to produce birthday tributes -- sometimes from lack of inspiration, sometimes from lack of time, and sometimes because there are weeks when I can't keep track of my housekeys and eyeglasses, never mind other people's birthdays. This has been true with my offline friends as well, which is why I like to joke that my birthday season runs from May 9 through May 8.

Put another way: there are a number of variables that determine if and how I observe someone's birthday. These may include whether I've met the person and/or otherwise interacted with them significantly, whether their tastes coincide with any of the bunnies currently in my plotwarren, whether I can manage to cook said bunnies on schedule (*glares at current Prydain-fic*), whether I'm even aware that there's a birthday coming up, etc. There are people I adore to pieces to whom I've simply sent a note or haiku offline because the tribute-mojo just wasn't in the house that day, and others for whom the whole birthday boondoggle is a complete non-issue -- they don't pay attention to mine, I don't pay attention to theirs, no sweat.

(3) I do sympathize to a certain degree with birthday-comm envy (and love-meme shoutouts, and nominations, and all that lot), but here's the thing: I haven't paid the kinds of dues that merit that kind of attention. I haven't logged in the hundreds of hours volunteering for comms and/or participating in discussions and RPGs that create the relationships that elicit that kind of affection and admiration; I rarely visit fics outside of my OTP, and I'm very spotty and inconsistent about what I read and comment on these days. Which makes me all the more bemused when people less active in fandom (at least, to the extent of my knowledge) get huffy or mopey about lack of attention: it makes me want to ask them, "Why are you expecting people to be generous when you haven't been?"

(4) You may feel that your life circumstances doesn't allow you to indulge in such generosity. I've been there. It isn'tanyone else's job in fandom to compensate you for that, though. Life is unfair like that.

(5) You may feel your art or writing deserves as much (or more) attention than the ones actually getting pages and pages of love. I've been there too. See #4.

(6) I was a mod for several comms back in my twenties, and doing the job properly demands an investment of time and emotional energy beyond what I'm currently willing to spare. (It does also mean that I'm intensely aware of how much work mods do that community and fest members may never see -- if you've not yet served as a mod for a major comm or fest, multiply the amount of work you witness the mods doing by a factor of ten (at least) and you'll likely be much closer to the mark.

(7) I'm considered a reasonably good writer, but I've posted a lot of stuff that inspired only 1-2 comments, and some that have netted absolutely zilch. I've received embarassingly low ratings on Skyehawke. My non-fandom writing has been parodied (not nicely) as well as criticized both for being obscure and for pandering. I've posted stuff that simply wasn't good (although I thought so at the time), and I've crafted stories I'm still proud of even though they will only ever resonate with a handful of readers.

Put another way: If lack of feedback is a deal-breaker for you, your skin is frankly too thin. And the best way to thicken it is to sit down and work on something new that will turn out better (luck and stubbornness willing). And if the bunnies just won't behave for you, you could at least take that negative energy and route it into recs and nominations and feedback for other people. It's not just talent that makes the high-profile fans beloved among so many -- to name three of the highest-profile names in Snape/Lupin, snegurochka_lee, scribbulus_ink, and lore are adored not only because they're fantastic storytellers, but because they also routinely encourage and promote other writers and artists besides themselves.

(And now I need to get back to work and take my own damn advice. *rueful smile*)

Comments

[scribbulus_ink.insanejournal.com]

Awww, thanks - I try. *G*

I could write a lengthy piece of my own in reaction to what you've said here, but that would probably make people unhappy as well, so I'll content myself with saying "I totally agree". ;)

[inkgeist.insanejournal.com]

Intense! I didn't know it got so fierce in fandom. The missus and I were just having this same conversation about real life yesterday, since the hols sneak up on me every year/I can no longer hide behind my semester work at that time. We still dont have a plan - my ideal plan would be to just visit with people....Alas. How is it that people come to feel entitled to gifts - doesnt that kind of defeat the purpose and exponentially add to the obligation sense of things?

[bronze_ribbons.insanejournal.com]

Well, I don't want to speak for other people (especially that I may well be over- or mis-interpreting what they posted), but I can say that in my less socially clued-in days, I was full of "why not me?" woe when I saw other people of equal or lesser talent being showered with unsolicited gifts and love. It's more than a little painful to look back at what a self-absorbed ninny I was -- of course I wasn't getting anything, because I wasn't giving anything!

Mind, I haven't totally conquered that monster yet. There's a part of me that's desperately envious of folks who are born with the social know-how and/or charisma and/or outright talent that inspires affection and admiration in other people, and there's another part of me that longs to possess the kind of magnetism where people want to give me gifts even though I haven't done anything to earn them, and there's yet another part of me that sometimes becomes unreasonably resentful of other people's popularity (I don't expect reciprocation or even acknowledgment of unsolicited gifts, but there are times when I'm not above feeling sorry for myself because my fics apparently aren't memorable enough to merit recs or awards, and I have to play the Smiths's "You Just Haven't Earned It Yet Baby" over and over again on the stereo until I cluebat myself back into functioning as a sensible person).

[inkgeist.insanejournal.com]

Hmmm... I dont know about fandom, but in real life, I've noticed two things. The people who get gift attention are either supa-badass you just can't help but like them; and then there are those that clamor for attention and 'will be hurt' if they dont get a gift etc. When I was younger, these were my obligation gifts - same as with obligation hugs etc. Now you have to be supa-badass to get something from me - which is usually just a note saying that you are hella badass since I have the whole work/school/family/career thing going. If the badassness is of a high enough magnitude, they will get cookies. But having grown up hating people who are bratty and self-entitled, especially having grown up immigrant poor, I became the opposite.

I dont expect anything ever - which means I'm always surprised if I get anything. Even when some one says "Hey I want to write some fics, if you want one sign up", then I'll sign up, and even when I get it later, I am surprised.

[odogoddess.insanejournal.com]

A-bloody-men.

That's one of the few nice things about lupus: it teaches you priorities. :) I gave myself permission long ago to "fall down on the job" in certain areas of life. Or as I like to say sometimes, "It's not fatal, love, so don't sweat it."

I always try to wish people happy birthday or anniversary or what have you, in their journals or via email. If circumstances call for me to be bedbound that day, barely able to lift my head, oh, well. I try to do it later, if it's within a day or two of the event. If not, oh, well *period*. It's not that I can't be bothered, it's just that I don't always have the leisure of a cooperating body. If people don't wish me anything, that's fine, too. I figure they have just as much right to a bad or busy day as I do.

Re: writing, I couldn't agree with you more. I write to appease the Muse and get the bunnies out of my hutch. If others like what I write, great. If they don't, I have peace of mind and a happy Muse. It's win-win... with porn and plot.

[cordelia_v.insanejournal.com]

This packs a punch. And there's a lot of wisdom in it. I'm still in the process of getting over myself (for some of us, it's a life-long process), but I know what you mean, there.

Actually, the only person I know of who "owes" a birthday present around here, is me to you. I mean, two years in a row! And my RL was melting down last year in early May, so I didn't manage it; your birthday fell on the day I had a climatic meeting at work that had been building for months, and I completely spaced a lot of fandom stuff, that week. I do have strong resolutions for next year, however.

Birthdays in fandom are odd. When I wrote that last year, I did see it as a potlatch. But I also notice that it seems like birthday observance in general has declined a bit, at on my flist. Perhaps people are burning out on that.

But even though birthdays are observed on a hit or miss basis, I do see fandom as a big potlatch in general. Look at all the drabbles, art, etc. that people produce, all the time.

Good meta, dear. And you know? That picture of Snape and Miles is still hanging over my desk, today. Quite a few visiting fen have commented on it, too :-)

I hope you're feeling better, too.

[bronze_ribbons.insanejournal.com]

Actually, the only person I know of who "owes" a birthday present around here, is me to you

No no no no no no. You do not! They were unsolicited gifts with no strings attached, and you remembered my birthday on the day itself with balloons and a basket (which is all the more impressive given the mayhem you were dealing with). I'll be delighted at any remembrance you might choose to produce, of course (and am delighted to be considered at all) but you do not owe me in the slightest. Perish the thought.

*reads about reaction to the cartoon, dances a quiet jig*

I hope I feel better soon, too. *grimace* I'm on a new medication that's not working yet, and I start physical therapy next week, and while things could be far, far worse, it's still so very tedious. If my body were a car there would be recall notices for various organs plastered all over my fridge. (I used to joke that I was just like my Focus -- rather cute and generally reliable, but with all sorts of little things wrong with it. *grin*)

[(Anonymous)]

Interesting thoughts. And possibly the first time I have come across the word "potlatch" outside a book. I admit, I am signing up for Yuletide this year partly as a means of self-promotion (by which I mean of course an entirely altruistic desire to promote the Sayers fandom and get other people writing it), bug also because I have enjoyed it a lot over the last couple of years, and I should like both the fun of participating for my own enjoyment, and to feel that I am contributing to something that is a fun event. Having said that, actually receiving the fic written for me will probably not be the No. 1 thing that makes it (unless it is request 2 exactly in line with the prompt, of course, in which case I will surrender my first-born).

Fandom birthdays... I have a simple policy here; I don't. I don't have mine available, and I don't but up a notice for others. It's just not something I feel comfortable getting into - I don't want to enter the mindfield of "You didn't announce my birthday", and I am quite happy with my own birthday being an online non-event. Perhaps it's less jolly, and I do like reading about other people's celebrations, but in this area of the online community, I keep myself to myself!

nineveh_uk

[arionrhod.insanejournal.com]

#HUGS#

I agree with everything you've said. Sometimes I wish I had more time/energy to give to fandom, but your point 2 is exactly where I feel like I'm at. I remember when I remember and often I don't, perhaps because I just don't consider my own birthday any big deal either. Back when I was getting bunnies all the time and they weren't of the 50,000 word variety, I contributed a lot more toward other people's birthday comms, but lately... meh. I haven't had the time or energy or, unfortunately, the inspiration to produce much. :P

The thing I am absolutely the worst about is responding to feedback. Not because I'm not grateful for it or glad that people read my stories, but... I don't know. I'm awful about following up on comments to my own journal posts, too. I think because I often feel like I don't have anything to say that matters in response, while "thanks" just seems so terse. I don't know. Probably it's just my own special weirdness. ;)

[snegurochka_lee.insanejournal.com]

Oh! That's very kind of you to say. :)

Not sure what has prompted this (and hoping there hasn't been a kerfuffle or bad feelings in your life lately, but fear there has). All good points here, really. Do unto others, and all that.

Fandom is a strange land, and journalling sites make it stranger, in a way, at least in the ways that they promote self-centricity. *g* Really, who wants to use their own personal blog space to talk about others' work, after all, when they can use it to talk about themselves? But that can also be dangerous, as you've pointed out, if one lets it amass into a steaming pile of entitlement. :)

[bronze_ribbons.insanejournal.com]

Fear not -- nothing I'm directly involved in or with at present.

Which doesn't stop me from feeling sad and frustrated when I repeatedly witness people not getting why they're not getting what they want, y'know? And while I know it's not my job or even my place to rectify that, how I wish I'd clued in myself on some of these things earlier rather than later. :-/

[schemingreader.insanejournal.com]

Don't pay attention to how you are rated at Skyhawke. One person who doesn't like your pairing can skew your rating there, and even if other people come and rate the story highly, you get the average.

I came to fan fic to improve my writing, which means that the stuff I wrote at first has to look like crap compared to later stuff, or it's not working. Or, if I see that something older looks better, I need to analyze what I changed in error. Parodying other people's writing is only allowed if the writer one is parodying is making a good living off of what you are mocking--don't you think?

I suck a lot at RL birthdays. I have been spending a lot of time meditating on how I got a job sending postal mail on time, when I can't ever decide that any piece of personal postal mail, even a postcard, is DONE and should be sent. (Yes, that's really true, and I have an envelope with YOUR address on it from my desk drawer to prove it.) But that's another story.

Anyway I'm not surprised that a lot of people don't do fandom birthdays or other celebrations, which actually require one to decide that fic or art is done. When I'm free to do so, I write people things, and when I'm not, I'm lucky if I have my head on enough to just write a pretty greeting.

[bronze_ribbons.insanejournal.com]

Parodying other people's writing is only allowed if the writer one is parodying is making a good living off of what you are mocking--don't you think?

Hmm... I'll have to think about this. I'm not above enjoying the sporking of bad fic at mctabby's and elsewhere, and I have to concede that it was useful seeing how pretentious I probably sound to folks who don't happen to share my values and/or obsessions.

Come to think of it, it's sort of a sour variation of why my most productive critique partnership has been with a significantly older Scottish-American librarian whose frames of reference are very different from mine. We happen to be on the same wavelength when it comes to critique method (nitpick everything down to the last pixel and trust the other person to discern what's useful), but I like sending my more mainstream work her way precisely because the lens through which she reads it is calibrated to significantly different specs than mine. :-)

[tjwritter.insanejournal.com]

I've not been in this bit of fandom long enough to experience it first hand, but in RL...the ones who demand attention and gift giving are the ones it is no fun to give to. I like to spring gifts on people at unexpected times...just to say, hey I was thinking of you when I saw this. But don't like the "Obligation" of it...that is what family is for!

As for stories...I'm also new at that as far as fanfic goes and am amazed when people comment. In RL writing, you rarely ever get the kind of feedback you get in here...I've been published in magazines and can imagine that 100's of people have read my stuff, but I'll never know...here, I get a pretty good idea--for either good or bad!

[lore]

I've had this post up all weekend, trying to decide what to say, if anything. And that's a thing with me - if something is so overwhelming I have to meditate on it, sometimes it's easier not to comment. Plus, this is the kind of entry that evokes so many different responses in me, I can't possibly keep them straight.

1. It took me a long, long time to read between the lines of people's posts. I can read between the lines of news stories and see the bull - have been doing it for years. But the emotional background in some people's posts escaped me forever, and still does sometimes. I didn't look for people to be devious in their journals, didn't think about ulterior motives, didn't realise a meta post on fandom could have direct a message to someone. I kinda hate that I know better now. Most of the time. And I hate knowing that people might read my posts and replies in a similar matter, especially when 99% of the time, I'm not thinking on that second level.

2. I think it's sad that jealousy and pettiness have had a part in stamping out birthday/gift communities for people. And that the same jealousy and pettiness stopped people who were receiving such communities from enjoying them.

2.5 And that general jealousy and pettiness might stop people from enjoying any gift they receive. I long ago stopped linking every gift I received in my journal because I didn't want to make other people upset or think I was bragging. Conversely, I wonder if the people who give me gifts get mad when I don't link them in my journal.

2.75 Ultimately, gifts tie me into knots. I'm so grateful and feel so inadequate at the same time. I try to stick with the grateful part just so I don't go insane and so people will know a fraction of how touched I am when they are kind to me.

3. The kindness of strangers is the most beautiful thing on the planet. I said this the other day in a completely different context, but it applies across the board, thus the beauty.

4. Going back to 1 - I think having a moderate ego makes for the happiest fandomers. Fandomers without expectations are giving and they think about others and not about what they might be entitled to. They blithely go along their merry way in fandom and never worry about anything brought up here. Low self-esteem can produce that kind of fandomer, too. ;)

5. People who display entitlement issues constantly make me sad and disappointed. People who quietly keep their entitlement issues to themselves or who only let them slip occasionally, I love and think are human. Sometimes people are young or new and don't understand that their entitlement issues are on display - they can go either way, but without me until they sort themselves out.

6. I don't write as much in my journal anymore because I worry about making people feel bad somehow. I suppose that is my massive ego at work.

7. I hate lonely fics and drabbles and art without comments and I admit I shamelessly will comment on anything that is a day later and without a comment, if I see it. Because there is nothing worse than putting yourself out there and getting crickets, and commenting is such an easy way to make a random person feel good. It it pity commenting? No, it's taking the time to pay attention and formulate a thought when others didn't have time - happens to the best of us.

8. Sometimes, I toy with the idea of a monthly "show me your tired, your poor" post where I would take links to fics/art/etc. that people wanted more comments on. Then I realise what a bad idea that would be if I were too busy to get to them all.

9. I know I will have said something in this post to make someone sit and glare at their computer.

10. There is no spoon.

You are too kind. *HUGS*

love, lore

[marginaliana.insanejournal.com]

Interesting thoughts. I definitely fall down on the job in terms of giving to others, which is something I'd like to do better on. And I've definitely passed through times of wishing for more attention and fannish love. But at the same time, I think I just so much enjoy the act of creation and the act of giving - I almost prefer to give and to get attention for the act of giving. Which, when I think about it, isn't any less selfish than the other way around. Hmmm.

*hugs*

[tudorpot.insanejournal.com]

The whole birthday thing was new to me and I must admit I haven't marked online friends birthdays or thought much about them - I did contribute when a BNF friends put together a com for her, but she had done a lot for the pairing and fandom -so it seemed right. But since my birthday last month when so many surprised me with comments and postings I am trying to give back a little. But I am rather bad at RL ones and will be the same with online ones as well. Good post.

[tudorpot.insanejournal.com]

Oh and another thing- I've sent a few presents- but it took me a while to feel comfy doing it- online friendship is harder than RL friends- I'm never sure that I'm not overstepping boundaries.