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bronze_ribbonsIt's been a long haul work-wise this week (and I've been better health-wise as well), so I took the morning off to bake an Indian pudding and inch forward on a fic.
(The reviews of the pudding so far: "Looks like cat barf, tastes like pumpkin pie without the crust." Let it not be said my officemates don't tell things as they are. *g*)
I've also been obsessing a bit too much about gift culture (both in fandom and real life), prompted by some wibbling in various quarters over the past couple of months that has been rubbing me the wrong way. I suspect I'm overreacting to and/or misreading a fair bit of it because of my personal issues, which I'll elaborate upon in a moment; that said, if something's coming across to me as passive-aggressive or reeking of entitlement, chances are it's hitting other people that way as well.
My personal issues:
(1) It took me a ridiculous number of years to grasp the concept of paying my dues, so it's painful for me when other folks strike me as being clueless about the concept. (If you think I'm arrogant now, be glad you didn't meet me twenty years ago. Heck, be glad you didn't know me twenty years ago regardless. There's a reason my favorite subgenre is "Snape and/or Lupin get over themselves and get on with their lives.")
(1a) There have been times when I've felt blindsided by a teacher, colleague, or friend who catalogued my many faults for months either silently or behind my back before dressing me down for being out of line. I do understand why -- and I've been guilty of it myself, both because I'm a rank coward about confrontation and because, like my erstwhile colleagues, there are times when I'm convinced things are really obvious that aren't. Being on either side of it is one of the least pleasant feelings I know, so I've been grateful to friends who've had the guts to clue me in when they think I'm fucking up (even when I don't necessarily agree with them).
(1b) It's probably more accurate to say I've tried to be gracious about unsolicited advice, and not always succeeded. Which is to say, I know this is going to rub some readers the wrong way and possibly even make you hate me, and I'm truly sorry about that.
(2) I don't ever want people to view my birthday or other celebratory occasions as duties or chores, but I'm also only human: if you are clamoring for attention on your birthday but haven't made a point of observing mine, I'm not above feeling like I'm being taken for granted.
I don't have the energy to produce a full-out meta on this topic, but for what they may be worth, here are some notes and observations I've collected over the past couple of years:
(1)![[insanejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/ij-userinfo.gif)
regan_v posted an essay called "Potlatch and Epistolary Romance: Fandom on Birthdays" that quotes me at length on the topic. (Our original conversation took place here.)
(2) As she mentioned in the essay, she and I don't actually interact all that often -- I do find her posts and her ideas stimulating, and it's happened that I had both the inclination and the time to produce gifts for her the past two years. There are hosts of people on my friendslists, however, for whom I'm not managed to produce birthday tributes -- sometimes from lack of inspiration, sometimes from lack of time, and sometimes because there are weeks when I can't keep track of my housekeys and eyeglasses, never mind other people's birthdays. This has been true with my offline friends as well, which is why I like to joke that my birthday season runs from May 9 through May 8.
Put another way: there are a number of variables that determine if and how I observe someone's birthday. These may include whether I've met the person and/or otherwise interacted with them significantly, whether their tastes coincide with any of the bunnies currently in my plotwarren, whether I can manage to cook said bunnies on schedule (*glares at current Prydain-fic*), whether I'm even aware that there's a birthday coming up, etc. There are people I adore to pieces to whom I've simply sent a note or haiku offline because the tribute-mojo just wasn't in the house that day, and others for whom the whole birthday boondoggle is a complete non-issue -- they don't pay attention to mine, I don't pay attention to theirs, no sweat.
(3) I do sympathize to a certain degree with birthday-comm envy (and love-meme shoutouts, and nominations, and all that lot), but here's the thing: I haven't paid the kinds of dues that merit that kind of attention. I haven't logged in the hundreds of hours volunteering for comms and/or participating in discussions and RPGs that create the relationships that elicit that kind of affection and admiration; I rarely visit fics outside of my OTP, and I'm very spotty and inconsistent about what I read and comment on these days. Which makes me all the more bemused when people less active in fandom (at least, to the extent of my knowledge) get huffy or mopey about lack of attention: it makes me want to ask them, "Why are you expecting people to be generous when you haven't been?"
(4) You may feel that your life circumstances doesn't allow you to indulge in such generosity. I've been there. It isn'tanyone else's job in fandom to compensate you for that, though. Life is unfair like that.
(5) You may feel your art or writing deserves as much (or more) attention than the ones actually getting pages and pages of love. I've been there too. See #4.
(6) I was a mod for several comms back in my twenties, and doing the job properly demands an investment of time and emotional energy beyond what I'm currently willing to spare. (It does also mean that I'm intensely aware of how much work mods do that community and fest members may never see -- if you've not yet served as a mod for a major comm or fest, multiply the amount of work you witness the mods doing by a factor of ten (at least) and you'll likely be much closer to the mark.
(7) I'm considered a reasonably good writer, but I've posted a lot of stuff that inspired only 1-2 comments, and some that have netted absolutely zilch. I've received embarassingly low ratings on Skyehawke. My non-fandom writing has been parodied (not nicely) as well as criticized both for being obscure and for pandering. I've posted stuff that simply wasn't good (although I thought so at the time), and I've crafted stories I'm still proud of even though they will only ever resonate with a handful of readers.
Put another way: If lack of feedback is a deal-breaker for you, your skin is frankly too thin. And the best way to thicken it is to sit down and work on something new that will turn out better (luck and stubbornness willing). And if the bunnies just won't behave for you, you could at least take that negative energy and route it into recs and nominations and feedback for other people. It's not just talent that makes the high-profile fans beloved among so many -- to name three of the highest-profile names in Snape/Lupin,snegurochka_lee, scribbulus_ink, and lore are adored not only because they're fantastic storytellers, but because they also routinely encourage and promote other writers and artists besides themselves.
(And now I need to get back to work and take my own damn advice. *rueful smile*)
(The reviews of the pudding so far: "Looks like cat barf, tastes like pumpkin pie without the crust." Let it not be said my officemates don't tell things as they are. *g*)
I've also been obsessing a bit too much about gift culture (both in fandom and real life), prompted by some wibbling in various quarters over the past couple of months that has been rubbing me the wrong way. I suspect I'm overreacting to and/or misreading a fair bit of it because of my personal issues, which I'll elaborate upon in a moment; that said, if something's coming across to me as passive-aggressive or reeking of entitlement, chances are it's hitting other people that way as well.
My personal issues:
(1) It took me a ridiculous number of years to grasp the concept of paying my dues, so it's painful for me when other folks strike me as being clueless about the concept. (If you think I'm arrogant now, be glad you didn't meet me twenty years ago. Heck, be glad you didn't know me twenty years ago regardless. There's a reason my favorite subgenre is "Snape and/or Lupin get over themselves and get on with their lives.")
(1a) There have been times when I've felt blindsided by a teacher, colleague, or friend who catalogued my many faults for months either silently or behind my back before dressing me down for being out of line. I do understand why -- and I've been guilty of it myself, both because I'm a rank coward about confrontation and because, like my erstwhile colleagues, there are times when I'm convinced things are really obvious that aren't. Being on either side of it is one of the least pleasant feelings I know, so I've been grateful to friends who've had the guts to clue me in when they think I'm fucking up (even when I don't necessarily agree with them).
(1b) It's probably more accurate to say I've tried to be gracious about unsolicited advice, and not always succeeded. Which is to say, I know this is going to rub some readers the wrong way and possibly even make you hate me, and I'm truly sorry about that.
(2) I don't ever want people to view my birthday or other celebratory occasions as duties or chores, but I'm also only human: if you are clamoring for attention on your birthday but haven't made a point of observing mine, I'm not above feeling like I'm being taken for granted.
I don't have the energy to produce a full-out meta on this topic, but for what they may be worth, here are some notes and observations I've collected over the past couple of years:
(1)
regan_v posted an essay called "Potlatch and Epistolary Romance: Fandom on Birthdays" that quotes me at length on the topic. (Our original conversation took place here.) (2) As she mentioned in the essay, she and I don't actually interact all that often -- I do find her posts and her ideas stimulating, and it's happened that I had both the inclination and the time to produce gifts for her the past two years. There are hosts of people on my friendslists, however, for whom I'm not managed to produce birthday tributes -- sometimes from lack of inspiration, sometimes from lack of time, and sometimes because there are weeks when I can't keep track of my housekeys and eyeglasses, never mind other people's birthdays. This has been true with my offline friends as well, which is why I like to joke that my birthday season runs from May 9 through May 8.
Put another way: there are a number of variables that determine if and how I observe someone's birthday. These may include whether I've met the person and/or otherwise interacted with them significantly, whether their tastes coincide with any of the bunnies currently in my plotwarren, whether I can manage to cook said bunnies on schedule (*glares at current Prydain-fic*), whether I'm even aware that there's a birthday coming up, etc. There are people I adore to pieces to whom I've simply sent a note or haiku offline because the tribute-mojo just wasn't in the house that day, and others for whom the whole birthday boondoggle is a complete non-issue -- they don't pay attention to mine, I don't pay attention to theirs, no sweat.
(3) I do sympathize to a certain degree with birthday-comm envy (and love-meme shoutouts, and nominations, and all that lot), but here's the thing: I haven't paid the kinds of dues that merit that kind of attention. I haven't logged in the hundreds of hours volunteering for comms and/or participating in discussions and RPGs that create the relationships that elicit that kind of affection and admiration; I rarely visit fics outside of my OTP, and I'm very spotty and inconsistent about what I read and comment on these days. Which makes me all the more bemused when people less active in fandom (at least, to the extent of my knowledge) get huffy or mopey about lack of attention: it makes me want to ask them, "Why are you expecting people to be generous when you haven't been?"
(4) You may feel that your life circumstances doesn't allow you to indulge in such generosity. I've been there. It isn'tanyone else's job in fandom to compensate you for that, though. Life is unfair like that.
(5) You may feel your art or writing deserves as much (or more) attention than the ones actually getting pages and pages of love. I've been there too. See #4.
(6) I was a mod for several comms back in my twenties, and doing the job properly demands an investment of time and emotional energy beyond what I'm currently willing to spare. (It does also mean that I'm intensely aware of how much work mods do that community and fest members may never see -- if you've not yet served as a mod for a major comm or fest, multiply the amount of work you witness the mods doing by a factor of ten (at least) and you'll likely be much closer to the mark.
(7) I'm considered a reasonably good writer, but I've posted a lot of stuff that inspired only 1-2 comments, and some that have netted absolutely zilch. I've received embarassingly low ratings on Skyehawke. My non-fandom writing has been parodied (not nicely) as well as criticized both for being obscure and for pandering. I've posted stuff that simply wasn't good (although I thought so at the time), and I've crafted stories I'm still proud of even though they will only ever resonate with a handful of readers.
Put another way: If lack of feedback is a deal-breaker for you, your skin is frankly too thin. And the best way to thicken it is to sit down and work on something new that will turn out better (luck and stubbornness willing). And if the bunnies just won't behave for you, you could at least take that negative energy and route it into recs and nominations and feedback for other people. It's not just talent that makes the high-profile fans beloved among so many -- to name three of the highest-profile names in Snape/Lupin,
snegurochka_lee, scribbulus_ink, and lore are adored not only because they're fantastic storytellers, but because they also routinely encourage and promote other writers and artists besides themselves. (And now I need to get back to work and take my own damn advice. *rueful smile*)
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8/10/07 20:47 (UTC)1. It took me a long, long time to read between the lines of people's posts. I can read between the lines of news stories and see the bull - have been doing it for years. But the emotional background in some people's posts escaped me forever, and still does sometimes. I didn't look for people to be devious in their journals, didn't think about ulterior motives, didn't realise a meta post on fandom could have direct a message to someone. I kinda hate that I know better now. Most of the time. And I hate knowing that people might read my posts and replies in a similar matter, especially when 99% of the time, I'm not thinking on that second level.
2. I think it's sad that jealousy and pettiness have had a part in stamping out birthday/gift communities for people. And that the same jealousy and pettiness stopped people who were receiving such communities from enjoying them.
2.5 And that general jealousy and pettiness might stop people from enjoying any gift they receive. I long ago stopped linking every gift I received in my journal because I didn't want to make other people upset or think I was bragging. Conversely, I wonder if the people who give me gifts get mad when I don't link them in my journal.
2.75 Ultimately, gifts tie me into knots. I'm so grateful and feel so inadequate at the same time. I try to stick with the grateful part just so I don't go insane and so people will know a fraction of how touched I am when they are kind to me.
3. The kindness of strangers is the most beautiful thing on the planet. I said this the other day in a completely different context, but it applies across the board, thus the beauty.
4. Going back to 1 - I think having a moderate ego makes for the happiest fandomers. Fandomers without expectations are giving and they think about others and not about what they might be entitled to. They blithely go along their merry way in fandom and never worry about anything brought up here. Low self-esteem can produce that kind of fandomer, too. ;)
5. People who display entitlement issues constantly make me sad and disappointed. People who quietly keep their entitlement issues to themselves or who only let them slip occasionally, I love and think are human. Sometimes people are young or new and don't understand that their entitlement issues are on display - they can go either way, but without me until they sort themselves out.
6. I don't write as much in my journal anymore because I worry about making people feel bad somehow. I suppose that is my massive ego at work.
7. I hate lonely fics and drabbles and art without comments and I admit I shamelessly will comment on anything that is a day later and without a comment, if I see it. Because there is nothing worse than putting yourself out there and getting crickets, and commenting is such an easy way to make a random person feel good. It it pity commenting? No, it's taking the time to pay attention and formulate a thought when others didn't have time - happens to the best of us.
8. Sometimes, I toy with the idea of a monthly "show me your tired, your poor" post where I would take links to fics/art/etc. that people wanted more comments on. Then I realise what a bad idea that would be if I were too busy to get to them all.
9. I know I will have said something in this post to make someone sit and glare at their computer.
10. There is no spoon.
You are too kind. *HUGS*
love, lore